But hell, it's not really fair to be blogging on the clock at The Spokesman, either. At any rate, let's talk some about the diamond, where the Mariners are really pulling a, well, Seattle-like season by raining on just about everyone's lofty pre-season predictions this year. While the Texas Rangers are roping the rest of their AL West competition and keeping them in tow in the division race, the anemic Seattle offense is preventing a solid pitching staff from notching a few more wins than currently show up in the standings.
I mean, five starters on offense are batting a lowly .200 at the dish. Their batting average is tied for second worst in the majors, and the Mariners are tethered to the bottom of the barrell in almost every other category offensively (not to mention the pathetic amount of times I've seen baserunners been picked off or gunned down).
At any rate, here's my homemade recipe for turning the Mariners into winners again:
1. Have Milton Bradley do clean-up duty at local elementary schools of his own tears and keep inspiring kids to grow up to not be like him.
2. Re-sign Eric Byrnes to open up bicycle repair shop behind wall in center field.
3. Erect commemorative Mariners lighthouse between second and third base, cutting down on range Chone Figgins and Josh Wilson have to cover in infield.
4. Supply Cliff Lee's agent with free popcorn and hot dogs so he'll pipe down for once about the hurler's future.
5. Make sure first base is wheelchair accessible and buy Ken Griffey Jr. shake weights so he can pull himself together by the time the All-Star break hits.
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